Smith turns one

For some reason, Smith's 1st birthday was really hard for me. It was a whirlwind of emotions. First, I was so excited; excited for him to go to the zoo for the first time and see all the animals. Excited for him to be growing up so quickly and seeing the world with fresh eyes. Then I was depressed and emotional; depressed that this year flew by and the feeling that I had missed so much in his first year. Working full time is extremely difficult, especially as your baby gets older. You realize how much you actually miss, how much you miss them, and how much they miss you. With these thoughts, the emotions set in. Often, I would have to leave the room or just take a deep breath to keep the lump in my throat at bay. Last, there was me being upset; I was upset with the fact that his birthday party/BBQ couldn't be outside like we had planned because the weather turned on us. Upset that I wasn't able to use all the decorations that I had planned for because of the limited space we had. Upset that I felt sick all night because of my anxiety and couldn't enjoy any food. 

 

 There was a point in the day that I felt like I just couldn't handle it anymore. I get stressed so easily and I felt like everything had gone wrong. I felt like I had failed my son on his very first birthday.

 There was another point that I was holding on to the fact that technically he's only 11 months old and he won't be one until 10:04PM that night. I could not, would not let my baby go.

 Craig was over the moon that day. He's been waiting for Smith to grow up since he was born. He wants to play with him outside and go on hikes with him. He wants him to talk and be able to interact with us a little more. This made me upset because again, I didn't want to let my baby go.

 The stress quickly became overwhelming. I didn't know why I was so stressed out over such a happy day. I couldn't help but reminisce over the last year. I would nudge my husband and say, "Honey, this time last year we were just checking into the hospital. Remember that feeling?"

 My thoughts throughout the day trailed off to that same day in 2013 when we welcomed our sweet, tiny baby into the world. Remembering what it was like to wake up in the middle of the night to find that my water had broke. To looking at my husband with love stricken eyes thinking that we were soon going to be parents.

 Thoughts of each nurse coming in to check on me, each one kinder than the last as my time inched closer. God bless those nurses. I get emotional just thinking about those lovely ladies.

 Thoughts of when it was time for me to start pushing. I began pushing at 7:30PM and each push would bring on a new wave of emotions. I pushed for 2.5 hours and there is a point that I felt like I couldn't do it anymore. The sweet Dr. and nurse trying to tell me how to push, but your numb from the epidural, so I really had no idea if I was doing it right. Then the thought of when I could feel the epidural wearing off and my body kicked in and I just knew what to do. Then finally, the feeling of him leaving my body after 9 long months. That feeling was overwhelming and the best feeling I've ever felt.

Smiths birthday was really amazing, but I wanted something different. I had planned and envisioned something different in my head and when it didn't go according to plan, I felt defeated. Honestly, it was a great day filled with family, lots of love, emotions, and lots of toys for our little man.

When we arrived home that night from his long day of partying, I put Smith in his crib and admired him. As I watched him sleep, I thought about the time I first met him and the worry I felt for him because he had to be in NICU since his wasn't breathing well. As I reflected on these emotions, I checked my phone: 10:04PM. A tear rolled down my cheek. I knew I had to let my baby go. As he slept peacefully, I was being torn apart inside. "Happy birthday, turkey", I whispered as I rub his little head, "I love you so much, it's stupid".

Happy Birthday, Smith!