where i need to be

last week, i sat down to right a post about smith at 9 months and how he is almost crawling. i didn't finish the post since i was at work and forgot to work on it the next day. i kept getting slightly frustrated with the situation of him not crawling because his cousin, who is a day younger than him, is crawling around. i also have a friend whose baby is about a month older than smith and her baby is walking. i was worried that my baby would never get it, but everyone assured me that he would get it.

he turned nine months on may 22 and on may 23, i received this:

i was just getting ready to leave work and i noticed my babysitter sent me an email. she's always been great to send us cute videos and pictures as she takes them. the moment i saw that it was a video, i knew what it was and i started to cry a little. "i missed it", i thought to myself, "you missed something important in your sons life."  i let out a heavy sigh and told myself it didn't matter and that i was proud of him even though i missed a milestone, but as i watched the video, i could feel the weight of the moment on my chest crushing me and whispering, "you're a terrible mom for working full time. look at what you missed. you will never, ever get to see this moment for the first time in person because you work". i knew i was just being hard on myself and i needed to see the moment for what it was and know that because i work i'm able to provide much, much more for my son, but that weight still sat, mocking me. 

after the video was done, i raced out of work and drove home much to fast to see my baby in action. i thew my car in park and bolted in the house to find my baby laughing and playing with my husband. i watched from afar and told myself not to get upset that i missed him crawling for the first time. that i was here now and i should go down play with my family. i took a deep breath and walked down stairs. as i walked down the stairs, smith saw me and smiled something fierce at me and crawled to me begging me to pick him up. he was all smiles and giggles as he crawled towards me and when i sat on the floor to greet him, time stood still. in that moment, the weight of knowing i wasn't there when he first crawled vanished because here he was crawling to his mama...me, showing me what he had learned that day. he could care less that i wasn't there when he first learned to crawl, all he cared about in that moment was that i was there watching him and that i would be on the receiving end to pick him up, give him a hug and a kiss and tell him how proud i was of him (you know, as all 9 month old babies do) and I did just that. 

I will never stop telling my baby how proud of him i am because i am one proud mama. from the little things like eating on his own, or milestones such as walking or crawling. as a working mom, i need to accept that i won't be there for everything he does, but know that i am doing what is best for my family at this time. maybe there will be a day that i will be able to stay home with my baby, but for now, i'm exactly where i need to be.