where i need to be

last week, i sat down to right a post about smith at 9 months and how he is almost crawling. i didn't finish the post since i was at work and forgot to work on it the next day. i kept getting slightly frustrated with the situation of him not crawling because his cousin, who is a day younger than him, is crawling around. i also have a friend whose baby is about a month older than smith and her baby is walking. i was worried that my baby would never get it, but everyone assured me that he would get it.

he turned nine months on may 22 and on may 23, i received this:

i was just getting ready to leave work and i noticed my babysitter sent me an email. she's always been great to send us cute videos and pictures as she takes them. the moment i saw that it was a video, i knew what it was and i started to cry a little. "i missed it", i thought to myself, "you missed something important in your sons life."  i let out a heavy sigh and told myself it didn't matter and that i was proud of him even though i missed a milestone, but as i watched the video, i could feel the weight of the moment on my chest crushing me and whispering, "you're a terrible mom for working full time. look at what you missed. you will never, ever get to see this moment for the first time in person because you work". i knew i was just being hard on myself and i needed to see the moment for what it was and know that because i work i'm able to provide much, much more for my son, but that weight still sat, mocking me. 

after the video was done, i raced out of work and drove home much to fast to see my baby in action. i thew my car in park and bolted in the house to find my baby laughing and playing with my husband. i watched from afar and told myself not to get upset that i missed him crawling for the first time. that i was here now and i should go down play with my family. i took a deep breath and walked down stairs. as i walked down the stairs, smith saw me and smiled something fierce at me and crawled to me begging me to pick him up. he was all smiles and giggles as he crawled towards me and when i sat on the floor to greet him, time stood still. in that moment, the weight of knowing i wasn't there when he first crawled vanished because here he was crawling to his mama...me, showing me what he had learned that day. he could care less that i wasn't there when he first learned to crawl, all he cared about in that moment was that i was there watching him and that i would be on the receiving end to pick him up, give him a hug and a kiss and tell him how proud i was of him (you know, as all 9 month old babies do) and I did just that. 

I will never stop telling my baby how proud of him i am because i am one proud mama. from the little things like eating on his own, or milestones such as walking or crawling. as a working mom, i need to accept that i won't be there for everything he does, but know that i am doing what is best for my family at this time. maybe there will be a day that i will be able to stay home with my baby, but for now, i'm exactly where i need to be.

mothers

[via]

mothers day is right around the corner and it will be my first mothers day. this has become quite a big deal in our house. i told my husband that mothers day is far more important to me than my birthday, christmas, or our anniversary. 

i never thought this day would mean so much to me when i became a mother. i remember mothers day as a child and giving my mom a handmade card, flowers i picked from the garden (or our neighbors garden), and waking up early to make her breakfast with my sister. we would always make her pancakes and they were never good, but my mom loved it. we would then get ready for church and all the children in the congregation would put on a program and sing to the moms. i remember one year, i didn't want to be apart of this program and i sat next to my mom. i remember her encouraging me to go up and sing, but i refused. i didn't understand why she was hurt by this, but now i can get it. 

smith may not be old enough to sing me a song, make me a card, pick me flowers from the garden, or even make me breakfast, but that boy has enough appreciation for me and i can see it in his smiles, laughs and snuggles. everyday when i come home from a long day at work, he sees me and smiles so big and reaches for me. he wants me. he wants me to hold him and he wants to put his face in the nook between my neck and shoulder. he wants to show me that he loves me and appreciates me to no end. i can see this appreciation in his eyes at the end of the day right before bed as he is drinking from his bottle and he is looking right into my eyes and reaches out to touch my cheek. i feel as though he is seeing right through me and looking into my soul, telling me he loves me and that i'm the best mama in the world. he sees past my flaws and sees me for who i really am.  it is the most wonderful feeling in the world and i don't think anything can replace that feeling. 

i know the day will come when we fight, when he tells me he hates me and thinks i'm the lamest mom on the planet, but for now, he loves me and thinks the world of me. he will never stop being the light of my life. i cry when i hear stories of babies being abandoned, kidnapped, or killed. all i can do is think,"what if that was smith?", and i break down. all mothers do this and i never understood why my mom cried when elizabeth smart was kidnapped, but again, now i get it. she was thinking about her children. she hugged us a little tighter that night as she tucked us into bed and told us how much she loved us.

mothers are on call 24/7, 365 days a year. from 3AM cries, when we fall and get hurt, to encouraging us to do our very best. it never, ever ends. mothers never complain about this and we keep pushing forward and trying to find ways to continue to do better. mothers are amazing and they do the best they can.

i'm so excited for mothers day this year and i'm even more excited that i get to have the title as "mama" for the rest of my life. it really is the best thing in the world. 

Rant 3-26-2014

This is a conversation I had with some woman at a friendly function. My husband knew the people and I did not. Let the awkwardness begin...

Stranger: "You're baby is adorable. How did your labor and delivery go?"

Me: "Thanks! Um....it went well..." I said finding this such an odd question from a complete stranger.

Stranger: "That's great to hear. Where did you have him?"

Me: "AF Hospital"

Stranger (after a very long and awkward pause): "Oh. So you didn't have him at home..." her voice sounded very demeaning and I could tell she was appalled by this.

Me: "No, I wanted the comfort of knowing my baby would be in good hands if something went wrong. There were some complications after the deliver that make be believe that my baby would've died if I had him at home." At this point, I know I'm putting my foot in my mouth, hell, both feet, but I didn't care. I wanted this lady to back off.

Stranger: "Well, I'm a Doula."

Me: "Good for you."

At this point, I already knew I didn't like this lady and I didn't care her opinions she had about me. We were obviously on two different pages. Later in the evening, she proceeds to ask me more questions about my labor and delivery, pregnancy, life choices, social security number (not really, but she very well could've with how personal she was getting), etc. All of these questions are private and are really odd to be asking someone that you don't know.

Stranger: "I did so much schooling before I had my baby. Now, I'm a stay at home mom and loving it. How do you like staying at home?"

Me: "um...I'm not, I work full-time"

Stranger: "Oh. What do you do with your baby? Where did you get your education?"

Me: "We have a sitter arranged and it's working well. I didn't go to school for the job that I'm in. I went to dental assisting school after high school, but that didn't work out in my favor. I worked at a dental office for about a year and it was quite possibly the worst job I ever had. Now, I work at Close To My Heart and I love my job."

Stranger: "You mean...you didn't go do college and get a degree? That's to bad..."

Me, very much so wanting to punch this lady right in her baby box: "Not really. I'm quite happy with where I'm at in my life. Everything is working great in our favor and I'm really blessed."

Stranger: "oh. Well...good for you." Mind you, she did not say this in a nice tone. I know her intention was to sound nice, but this lady had already gotten on my bad side and I didn't give a damn about her opinion.

Why does it matter so much to people what other people do with their life? Just because I didn't go to school to get a MBA in business with a minor in English and I don't stay at home with my baby does not make me less of a mother. Also, I don't think having your baby at home is such a good idea. There is so much that can go wrong with delivering a baby and I didn't want to risk it. If you want to have your baby at home that is your prerogative and I won't judge you. I've heard many horror stories about home births and I've also heard beautiful ones. With me, it was a matter of putting my baby in the best situation possible and thank God that I made the decision that I did or my baby may not be with me today.

I really hate the mommy-battles. The never, ever, ever end. You feed your baby formula? You're a terrible mother because you can't produce breast milk. You vaccinate your baby? How dare I put him at risk for potential issues that DO NOT exist with vaccinating your children. You don't co-sleep with your baby? How awful. Now your baby will die in his sleep.

This list goes on and on and on. I've never received so much criticism from complete strangers because I decided to raise my child differently than them. I never thought that so many people would be offering their "advise" when I never asked for it.

Some people.

peices

“Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be.”
― Abraham Lincoln

Oh, Abe. I think everyone can learn a little someone from you now and then. In fact, this quote couldn't have come at a better time. 

If you blog, or do any sort of social media, you know what it's like to run across someone's profile, blog post, photo etc. and the thought of, "why can't my hair be that gorgeous? Why can't I look good in dark lipstick without looking all "vampy"? why can't I afford extravagant vacations?" etc. Maybe not everyone has these feelings, but I sure do.
I'm happy with my life and I need to remember all the things that I do have that others may not. I'm beyond grateful for all the things I do have and I need to be happy with who I am and how others see me. Everyone see's you differently then you see yourself. I will always find my flaws while others may not even notice these things. My husband always tells me how beautiful I am, but I will immediately say something negative about myself rather then just taking the compliment. I need to stop doing this and figure out how to love myself. I wouldn't say that I'm not confident about myself, but in someways I'm not confident at all. For example: I know I'm an quirky/awkward person, my personality can sometimes come across as "bitchy" because I have a very, very dry sense of humor. These are things that I've accepted and I'm 100% okay with that. I just need to learn to be confident in myself in other ways. I need to learn to make the very best of every situation, learn from it, grow from it, and be happy with it.

Enough of my rant. Here are some pictures and some updates. 

 ^ ^I love them both so much I could split in half.

 ^^ Grammy (my mother) bought Smith a mustache binki. Smith isn't one to take binki's, but we stick this in his mouth just to get a good laugh every once in a while.

 ^^ his current favorite bath toy is a 44 oz cup from the gas station. We try to give him other toys, but they aren't as cool as that cup. 

 ^^ Tummy time on the boppy is quite the experience now. He tries to push himself forward once we have him on it, but then this happens. We then spend the next 5 minutes watching him try to figure out how to get out of this position. He grunts and tries so hard to either roll over, or go forward. We get a good laugh out of it.

 ^^ Little Olive Grae was born! Smith is excited to have a cousin that he can run around with when the time comes. Smith doesn't know he is excited, but I decided that as his mother. She's super precious and I was excited to take her newborn photos. I love looking at these photos and seeing those extra wrinkly hands.